Shocking New Research Involving Marital Bliss
Posted: Friday, May 27, 2011
by Dave Potchak
PO's Peek at the Past
The last thing a married person needs in life is to read more clichés concerning the differences between males and females. We’ve heard them before. Men are from different planets; they use their brains rarely, if at all; and at times they think with body parts not designed for thought.
Wouldn’t it be refreshing to learn of some new research that you might not only find interesting, but might also actually work in providing a marriage with a new, way-overdue approach to reaching maximum bliss?
You merely have to listen. Yes, keep your mouth closed and listen. It’s so simple and so obvious; yet this solution has escaped males for eons as we fight off our basic testosterone-driven tendency to react violently to defend our women and our territory. Allow me the opportunity to explain.
When my wife, a kindergarten teacher for 34 years, comes home and starts to tell me about her day, she really doesn’t expect me to pick up the Gander Mountain catalog and order shock collars for her entire class. She just wants me to listen and identify with her need to express her feminine feelings.
If one particular student has been giving her a rough time, I’ve learned that my first instinct (to start planning a birthday party and invite all the kids in her class except for the troublemaker) is not exactly the response she desires. I have to admit that I’ve considered both of the aforementioned reactions in my career as a husband.
In defense of males everywhere, I have further discovered that these tendencies are not our fault all the time. You see, females have no need for testosterone and they have no need for its aggressive effects either. Females are blessed with estrogen. This hormone not only makes females soft, curvy and great conversationalists, it also necessitates a corresponding ear, willing to listen and do absolutely nothing else.
Although hormonal research has existed for a long time, females only recently evolved into the human workforce. This is precisely why we husbands are so far behind genetically in understanding our mates. Personally, I feel fortunate that my science background has shown me this insight long before most of my peers became aware of it.
After my wife explained to me that an irate parent had given her an earful last month, I was so proud of the way I handled the situation. I did contemplate calling the school board members to discuss the circumstances, but I stopped far short of petitioning the community to have the family ousted from our district. I am improving. Having them tarred and feathered only briefly entered my mind.
I’ve become calm and collected regarding my reactions. I no longer feel the urge to remove the air from the tires on the principal’s car while she’s attending a PTO meeting at the elementary building. I no longer visualize myself dressed in black ninja tights, doing somersaults in the dark as I sneak through the lot, shooting out the street lights with my blow dart gun. Using martial arts to kick out the headlights of her car no longer excites me either.
Today, using bale twine to tie a dead possum to the superintendent’s car hood rarely occupies my thoughts. I am a changed man.
In the past, when an office secretary realized that a 5-page survey must be filled out by the end of the day, my wife would stay after school and complete it. She still does tasks like this. Discovering that the form was dated two months prior irritated me much more than it bothered my wife (hormonal differences again). I’m pleased to admit that I haven’t reported a secretary to the Better Business Bureau in over six weeks now.
I realize, though, that this is a life-long battle. Like gambling, drinking, smoking and overeating, I fully understand that I will need reinforcement every day for the rest of my life. So, I have given my wife permission to purchase one shock collar, as mentioned previously.
I’m suggesting a variable-power collar, one that she can control with a remote. Should she suspect that I’m going to react to any of her job situations or issues in any way, I am giving her advance permission to hit the power button and bring me gently back to that ever-so-important “listening” stage – yes, the one that took me 35 years to discover in the first place. Until all male hormones have ceased to exist in my body, it’s the least I can do.
Editor’s Note: Always conscious of scientific research and the well-being of test subjects, I would not recommend the use of any shock collars unless previously tested repeatedly in laboratory situations. Readers will be happy to know that I have indeed run experiments on variable-power shock collars in the past. After purchasing a Golden Retriever pup about 10 years ago, I did test the collar on my hand, starting with 1 and gradually moving up to setting number 9. I was barely sensitive to the most powerful selection and thought at first that the collar was defective. My next step was to fit the collar around my own neck to see if that might make a difference. My mistake was that I did not return the setting to a number lower than 9. I returned the collar in the mail the next day. [Sadly, a true story]
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Top-level comments on this article: (9 total)Loved this Dave. I can relate. I'm married to a teacher as well. We could compare stories for hours, I'm sure. I've never thought of the shock collar thing but since you've mentioned it, I can think of a few people I'd like to try it out on. Very funny. Your wife is lucky to have a man who understands when to be quiet and actually listen. Good stuff!I'm not sure my wife would agree with the "understands when to be quiet and actually listen" - at least not quite yet - as always, thanks for your comments - DaveHi Master Po,
Your article made me realize how lucky some of us are. This July 30th, Mrs. Little and I will be celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary. "So, what is out of the ordinary about that", you say?
Well, for the majority of that time, she has held a job that she is not allowed to discuss outside of the office. I do however lend an ear to most, if not all, of her other interests, most of which are happy ones such as grandchildren, pets, vacation, and retirement plans. You are right about that being enough to let her know I'm tuned in to her channel. I've noted that sometimes when she asks a question, if I can stay quiet long enough she usually comes up with the perfect answer all on her own. I think more of us should have figured out what you stated in your article a lot sooner.
Gator
That's my take on it too,..we should have figured this out long ago...Also, I agree, we are lucky...
thanks for commenting - Dave
Hi Dave.
It's true. Men want to protect and remedy. Women mostly just want to "vent."
It's also true that listening is one of the most important good marriage tools. Shoot, it's important in all relationships. But it really does go both ways. And if listening isn't coupled to understanding then it's pointless. Women should understand that men just need to DO something ... even if it's just dreaming up (and talking about) some more or less fitting revenge. :)
I did really enjoy your article and the humor you brought to it. So 35 years ... that's quite a while. Congrats on making it work for so long. It's not ALWAYS easy as I well know.
Didn't you write an article about your experience with the shock collar?
Hugs to you, and to your wife as well!
DianneHugs to you and yours also - as always, thanks for your comments. No, I haven't written yet about the shock collar, but thanks for the idea. Dave
Dave, I laughed out loud! Great, great story!Thanks Lorrie! I found that gender is a funny thing. The ladies seemed to enjoy this more than the men, yet other stories I've written, it seems the men think they're hilarious, but the ladies do not. Hmmm - guess this proves my point - we are indeed different, but it's never too late to learn about each other. Dave
Great article!Thanks Lorna for taking the time to
Great article. The nice thing about estrogen is that "talkative" in the end means listening eventually occurs. With a woman, I have learned, they have to take breaths. It is in those natural moments when the biology of inhalation and exhalation happen, that wonderfully creative and monosyllabic grunts of ascent and agreement can occur. Then, you will be viewed as being cooperative, loving, and even profound!Thank you for your comments, and for taking the time to read the article. Dave
Shock collars were originally made for dogs; since this appellation is sometimes applied to men- it seems an apt metaphor...... LOL- An interesting and astute article...Enjoyed it-Ella, I read a "new" take everytime a person replies. Never thought of the metaphor, and in my younger days, I'd probably give you an argument about it - but now, I totally agree,...lol. thanks for reading and commenting....
For those who have an ear, let them hear. This article is a reflection of one individuals desire to be shock collared by his woman. Indeed, women have estrogen, and this is in no means, a blessing. For women are the harbingers of men, and so we, as men, bear only the burden of having to listen to them. To listen is a form of communication, but to listen infers that one can understand. Men cannot understand women, for men, are men.
In defense of mankind, lol.
I don't know if this individual has the "desire to be shock collared by his woman." I think it's more fitting to say, I've learned what to do and say, vs. what not to do and say as I grow older - and I'm willing to take my punishment like a man for the instances when I goof up. LOL - thanks for your comments anon. Dave
Great Stuff AGAIN Po. I can actually hear you say this stuff.
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