A Little Selfishness at Christmas
Posted: Tuesday, November 30, 2010
by Dave Potchak
PO's Peek at the Past
Can you remember the times in your youth when you needed a simple reassurance, a hug or a little word of encouragement? I'm sure we can all relate to similar circumstances.
Most likely it was a parent and in particular your mom who fulfilled that need at that crucial time. Dads, grandparents and other extended family members have come to the rescue, too. At least in my upbringing, they did.
Occasions in which children may seek out a guarantee from an adult may have involved the legitimacy of Santa Claus and his reindeer, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy..or when a grandchild asks, "What happened to Grandma?" during a viewing or funeral. Common follow-up queries might include: "Where is she now? Is she okay? Who will take care of Pappy now?"
The person giving the reply is often placed in an awkward position. Age-appropriate answers often do not come easily, and philosophy and religion play a vital role as we attempt to provide a reliable response.
Reflecting back, I think most of us simply try to answer these questions in a manner similar to the way they were handled with us. That is, of course, only if you were happy with those answers you received in your youth.
My son and his wife are expecting their first baby early next year. This new addition will be our fourth grandchild. Recently I discovered that my son is not entirely sure how he prefers to deal with the inevitable questions that are sure to follow in the next few years.
Even though my son's upbringing was very similar to the upbringing of his two sisters, the answers to his questions were not met with the same enthusiasm as his siblings. Though our kids are all members of the same family, with common genetics and having been exposed to comparable child-rearing methods, the replies to his childhood questions have been accepted much differently by him.
Basically, he wants to be truthful but not insensitive as he tries to navigate the appropriate path through the common practice of parenting. He is not unlike the rest of us in many ways, and providing a viable solution to the dilemma is not easy.
Many parents never did explain Santa's existence in a fairytale manner. Some feel it's downright harmful to lie to their children. Others feel it's the spirit of St. Nicholas that matters and may use the "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" approach. If you're a baby boomer like me, you may remember the 1947 movie "Miracle on 34th Street" when Maureen O'Hara was struggling with her 6-year-old daughter (Natalie Wood) over this very issue. (If you have not seen this movie, please do. The issue is clearly resolved at the end.)
Chances are you will be asked some difficult, possibly uncomfortable questions a few times in your lifetime. Perhaps this Christmas season a little one might ask you, "Is there really a Santa Claus?" My wife, a kindergarten teacher for 34 years, faces this question annually.
The Selfish Approach
There is simply no universal solution or answer to that question. To complicate matters, I have also discovered that I'm somewhat selfish when it comes to dealing with the innocent questions of children.
You see, I have found that I still need reassurances in life, just like a little child. You may be similar, too, in that the need to be reassured never does go away. The problem is that as we age, there are fewer and fewer people remaining who can fulfill that need. Perhaps paying the reassurances forward is the answer.
This is not a novel solution, and perhaps not one to be fully accepted by child psychologists, but please give this a try. Each of you, in your own way, try answering a child's questions by giving intellectually appropriate answers that also make YOU feel better. Ponder this for a moment: If your answer satisfies your self-assurance requirements and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, it might also meet the needs of reassurance for the little one. To be perfectly frank, it may qualify as a little fib, too. And if that description doesn't sit well with you, maybe think of it as temporarily bending the truth.
After all, aren't we all still children during this time of the year? Don't we all want to feel good during the holidays? And if this approach works well at Christmas, it might just work during the rest of the year, too. How ironic to proclaim that selfishness and a white lie here and there have worked fairly well for me during the holiest of seasons.
As I attempt to practice what I preach with my own grandchildren this Christmas, I predict that my selfishness and minor fibs will provide all of us with some much needed reassurance. With that, I find no need to apologize.
Truthfully, I wish you all a Merry Christmas! May Santa remain selfishly in your hearts forever.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)It's wonderful that you can appreciate the part of you which needs reassurances. I think we all do, and I'll support your selfish approach!Jennifer, thanks for your comments and for your support too. As a former jock and teacher/coach I've not always been inclined to admit my needs for reassurances. I think parenting, grand parenting and some close calls regarding my health have made me a more honest person regarding my needs, but at the same time, a little fib now and then is okay by me. Merry Christmas - Dave
You're right when you say we all need reassurances now and then despite our age. No apologies required Dave. Nice article.Thanks Brianna - I'm feeling more reassured all the time,... take care, Dave
Hi Dave.
As you might imagine, I was never happy with the answers I received. :) IF I had had kids, I think I would have told them the truth about such things as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. But I would have also explained why the concepts are important.
"Each of you, in your own way, try answering a child's questions by giving intellectually appropriate answers that also make YOU feel better. Ponder this for a moment: If your answer satisfies your self-assurance requirements and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, it might also meet the needs of reassurance for the little one." This is an absolutely brilliant suggestion! When I think about this aspect, I realize that as a child I would still have wanted the truth. It was, is and always will be important to me to know that those who are close to me are being honest with me.
Great article! Well written and well said.
Hugs and Merry Christmas,
DianneDianne, thanks for reading and presenting your views. Your ideas are very similar to my son's, and to some others in our family too. As I wrote in the article, I honestly think that the answers we got as children play an important role as to how we feel as adults - not so much as only the "answer" but the way we "accepted" it, too. And another similarity, my son felt very strongly about all this until recently, when he learned he and his wife are expecting. Now, he realizes, his answers are going to be much tougher to give. He will have to cross the bridge when he gets to it. The best to you and yours, Dave
Loved your article. For me it was very stimulating.
Are you giving your answer to the child to satisfy him or to satisfy yourself?
During my childhood I was given the answer to a very important question that affected my whole life only I don't think the adults realized how much it affected me. The end result was they were satisfied with the answer and I was haunted until adulthood, because in our generation you didn't question the adults.
So was the little white lie better?
Linda DLinda, thanks for reading and replying...
Re:"Are you giving your answer to the child to satisfy him or to satisfy yourself?" I'll have to admit, a little of both - like I said, I still think we all need reassurances now and then...but I just can't bare to see a little one mis out on the little magic left in the world...
2nd paragraph...you and my son are in similar modes...
"So was the little white lie better? " as they say, to each his own,..I can only speak as to what worked with most of the children I've been associated with,...3 kids, 4 g-kids, numerous neices and nephews, etc,..but my son is proof, it does not work with everyone,... take care, the best of the holidays to you and yours...
A brief follow-up to this story: My wife and baby sat for our 3 g-kids, Friday evening. When Nickers (Nicholas), age 3, was getting ready for bed, he got a little teary eyed, saying he missed his mommy. He grabbed a religious card of St. Nick from his dresser top, and held it in his hands, and told his grandma, "I take this to bed with me." - He curled up under his covers, got a huge smile on his face, and went to sleep like a little angel. Regardless of one's religion, Christmas beliefs, faith or regard for the Saints, I find this kind of child reaction so satisfying,...not only for me, but for the little one too. If he should happen to grow up, and regret this kind of adult influence, that is a chance I'm willing to take. Again, just my humble opinion. dp
I still believe in Santa Claus, i.e. Jesus is my Santa all through the year. He knows when I've been good and he knows when I've been bad.Enjoyed reading your article DaveDavid, thank you - I too was raised in a Christian household (Byzantine Catholic Rite) - (more strict than the Roman Rite),...and my parents saw to it that the true meaning of Christmas did not get by us.....but they also used the magical Santa to its fullest...my wife and I tried very much to duplicate that upbringing to our own kids...but what worked for two, did not work for the third...such is life, I guess - Have a Blessed Christmas, and hopefully enjoy the birth of Christ with family and friends.... Dave
Very good article. Very interesting follow-up comments. Thanks to Dave and thanks to the readers. Much good food for thought from all. Merry Christmas to you writers and readers!Thanks Sherry,.. with the loss of my father in law recently, the holidays just won't be quite as merry as usual...the best of the season to all,...Have a Blessed Christmas, and a Happy New Year....
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